Christmas is over...huge fucking sigh of relief, now I can go back to saving up that $450 in back rent that I owe. I enjoy buying presents for people, but I really didn't have the money this year. But I did all right kept the total under $300 for everything.
Now what did I get? Well, so far I must say teh best present was the

Ibanez RG120 which Nic gave me he got me the guitar used and bought a bunch of stuff for it - a case, picks, polishing cloth and the like. I've had it for a week or two actually, because he couldn't/didn't want to keep it a secret. My first electric guitar! I didn't know what to say when he said that he's gotten me one (although he'd been threatening since about a week after he moved in) I vacillated between anger at him spending $200 in one blow leaving him well short of what he needed to get him through till the next paycheck, and freaking out in uber-happiness at the fact that I now have my very own electric guitar, which I have wanted since I was about 8. I went with the happiness as it's his money (and now my guitar!).
The familial events went well, on the 24th we went to my cousins house, the next morning we were up bright and early to drive out to Wilmer for his dad's side of the families christmas, came back played some video games then napped until it was time to go to my sister's. My sister's house was fine, we for some reason ate enchiladas, tacos and steak but hey, whatever it was tasty. Everything went well until I opened the non-christmas book from my mother.
This . The whole point of the book seems to be ‘how to get married’. Because I REALLY want to get married. RIGHT NOW. Can’t you tell? I believe the first words out of my mouth were (after i flipped it over) "oh, and it's written by a man!" I have no idea what to make of this present. Nic and Bri really don't want me to read it (at least when they are home) because they know it will incite long rants and I will probably throw the book more than once. I've already almost thrown the book just from looking at the damn table of contents. Among the repetitive chapter names (each one starts with Be Honest - You're Not That Into Him Either But...)was the lovely little statement Bla bla bla -But You Thought You Could Have Sex Like A Man.So I am left with a conundrum, read the fucking thing and probably end up writing many angry blog entries enumerating it's many failings, or stick it under the bookshelf (Nic's CD/DVD shelf actually) so it doesn't wobble (the empty cigarette pack is getting tacky). I will probably not be able to stop myself from reading it, so I can at least give my mom a reason -nicely worded- as to why it's misogynistic crap that she probably shouldn't buy for me, as it inspires rage in me and makes my roommates sad.

What was she trying to tell me with this? Get married? Dump my boyfriend? Well neither of those is going to be happening any time soon. I've told her that I won't be getting married until I can marry whoever I want regardless of gender. I don't understand her insistence that "one day you will want to settle down and live in a house with just you and your husband and have babies."
Meh.
I told her in response well ma, don't be too disappointed if I end up living with Bri, cohabiting with my partner, keep 5 kitties and have A baby.

My mother just got out of surgery for a mastectomy. They found malignant tissue in her lymphnodes. I heard my father cry for about the third time in my almost 21 years of existance. The song I was listening to when my dad called? You guessed it...

Goodbye Blue Sky  
 By Pink Floyd
[ look, mummy. theres an airplane up in the sky. ]

Did you, did you see the frightened ones?
Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?
Did you ever wonder why we had to run for shelter,
When the promise of a brave new world,
Unfurled beneath a clear blue sky?

Did you, did you see the frightened ones?
Did you, did you hear the falling bombs?
The flames are all long gone,
But the pain lingers on.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye, blue sky.
Goodbye.
Goodbye.

My mother lies in a hospital bed
a few thousand miles away and all I can think about
is how much I wish I was there...
Childhood knowledge that death will never come
not for them, not for her
that she will be there
to care for you
to love you
to nag you
always
so assured and so
safe
refusing to believe
as if that will change the outcome
as if that can protect her.
so stretch out your fingers
feel the empty air
of lost hope and
sorrow
clench your fists
deny the truth
finally
withdraw into self
if the pain is unacknowldged does it exist?