don't be angry
don't allow emotion to show
be the mediator
give everyone your everything
lose yourself in supporting everyone else
badly.
feel comfort in your failure
at the loss of what you love
and your own inept attempt to give solace
Babbling words and incoherant thoughts
hidden beneath the choppy surface
rising panic lulled to sleep with sticky clouds
fractured vison, skewed input
what is real?

So I'm officially down to one job. Super! Fucking! Awesome! Not my 'real' job (the one that provides me with the Almighty Health Insurance and a decent hourly wage) but my job that gives me money for the things I could technically live without: food, ganja, gas for my car, is no longer. Working at Shinders was fun, most of my co-workers were great, the job was easy, a decent discount on many things that I enjoy (although the HGAW, who is now my Hot Boyfriend still works there so you know...), and it paid okay for retail. I also really needed that fucking money. Currently teh best friend/roomate is in her own financial pinch, and  Shinders is Hot Boyfriend's only source of income so I have about 2 weeks to get a new 2nd job. Can you feel the excitement oozing throught the moniter yet? Teh reason for the removal of the rug from beneath my feet? The company is slowly dying/resurrecting, no one is quite sure which yet. They closed one store 6-8 months ago, then another store last weekend and three of the employees from there are going to where I used to work, so...I'm let go. Apparently they will be closing the downtown St Paul location and trying to get out of leases to close at least one more.
I'm not too upset about losing that particular job, I needed the money, and the comic discount. I am still left feeling chewed up because there was no warning to this. There was a company meeting (all 120 some of the employees, also a waste of time because what they told us then has now come to be a load of bullshit) in January where they stated we would know well in advance of any store closings, and they would do our best to prepare us. Or not. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE outside of corporate that includes the manager of the store that was closed) was told two days before they shut it down. Or so I've heard, store gossip being what it is, but personally I wouldn't doubt it. Gah, it's all kinds of fucked up business practice. I'm glad the Hot Boyfriend has decided to look for a different job. Hopefully it will be before they send out a fax telling everyone their store is closing.

I feel like sharing -
-Sometimes I feel 10 years behind everyone else in computer terms. Shit I'm just now discovering the world of MOO's! But meh I can handle it. Most of the time.
-I've felt nauseous on and off the past two days.
-I can't decide whether to be worried about being knocked up or the possibility of infertility...
-I'm still not back on my medication.

Thank you for your time and goodnight.

I've pretty much accepted that I wasted my time, money and effort going to Bryman (they have now changed it to Everest!) and forking out 12,000. I'm NOT going to be doing massage for the rest of my life (or probably in the near future).
So. Now I need to figure out what I want to do, because I really don't make enough money as a receptionist at a car place, and as much as I love my retail job...it's still a fucking retail job. I'd like some fulfillment when I go to work, I'd like to feel that I'm doing something worthwhile.
I think I would like to be an art teacher. It would be awesome to help kids learn what art can do for them, that it can give you a healthy outlet for emotions, and help you learn more about your own feelings. I would probably want to work at a school for "troubled" children/teenagers. Of course there's no money in teaching...but I think I would love it anyway.
Any thoughts?

p.s. the song I'm listening to was totally random by the way, (and eerily appropriate) i love iTunes party shuffle mode.

one word uttered
and I fall
the clouds come, rushing through the clear sky
bringing the storm of emotion
waves rush high and recede
the eb and flow of my psyche

at times I see it and prepare
bunker down in the cellar of my mind
holding tight to my thin bars of sanity
hoping not to be swept away

others i see nothing and the wave crests over me
drowning me in feeling
crushing with the weight of depression

Childhood as we all know lies to us. The beliefs and dreams that are held dearest then, grow faint and disheartening as we age. In particular the fantasies of adulthood that are believed in as children become further and further from the truth. The security that we have so much faith in that we do not question (those of us who are lucky enough to be afforded illusions anyway) 'that you are eternal, that you are immortal, and that someday you will be THIS person and won't that just rock?'

the glass wall that seperates us grow murky at times
I peer through wondering where you are
Don't leave me now,
after all this time