don't be angry
don't allow emotion to show
be the mediator
give everyone your everything
lose yourself in supporting everyone else
badly.
feel comfort in your failure
at the loss of what you love
and your own inept attempt to give solace
Babbling words and incoherant thoughts
hidden beneath the choppy surface
rising panic lulled to sleep with sticky clouds
fractured vison, skewed input
what is real?

So I'm officially down to one job. Super! Fucking! Awesome! Not my 'real' job (the one that provides me with the Almighty Health Insurance and a decent hourly wage) but my job that gives me money for the things I could technically live without: food, ganja, gas for my car, is no longer. Working at Shinders was fun, most of my co-workers were great, the job was easy, a decent discount on many things that I enjoy (although the HGAW, who is now my Hot Boyfriend still works there so you know...), and it paid okay for retail. I also really needed that fucking money. Currently teh best friend/roomate is in her own financial pinch, and  Shinders is Hot Boyfriend's only source of income so I have about 2 weeks to get a new 2nd job. Can you feel the excitement oozing throught the moniter yet? Teh reason for the removal of the rug from beneath my feet? The company is slowly dying/resurrecting, no one is quite sure which yet. They closed one store 6-8 months ago, then another store last weekend and three of the employees from there are going to where I used to work, so...I'm let go. Apparently they will be closing the downtown St Paul location and trying to get out of leases to close at least one more.
I'm not too upset about losing that particular job, I needed the money, and the comic discount. I am still left feeling chewed up because there was no warning to this. There was a company meeting (all 120 some of the employees, also a waste of time because what they told us then has now come to be a load of bullshit) in January where they stated we would know well in advance of any store closings, and they would do our best to prepare us. Or not. Everyone (and I mean EVERYONE outside of corporate that includes the manager of the store that was closed) was told two days before they shut it down. Or so I've heard, store gossip being what it is, but personally I wouldn't doubt it. Gah, it's all kinds of fucked up business practice. I'm glad the Hot Boyfriend has decided to look for a different job. Hopefully it will be before they send out a fax telling everyone their store is closing.

one word uttered
and I fall
the clouds come, rushing through the clear sky
bringing the storm of emotion
waves rush high and recede
the eb and flow of my psyche

at times I see it and prepare
bunker down in the cellar of my mind
holding tight to my thin bars of sanity
hoping not to be swept away

others i see nothing and the wave crests over me
drowning me in feeling
crushing with the weight of depression

There's just something about all those fucking carols, garish decorations and people spouting "merry christmas" out of one side of their mouth then getting all pissed off you don't have that THING they want that inspires a special kind of rage in me.  At my retail job when the manager is there, we are required to listen to the local radio station that plays 24/7 x-mas tunes during the holidays. This understandable makes me want to stab people in the face, usually when we get to the third time in as many hours of one of Bruce Springsteen's x-mas covers, or perhaps it's the 50th time of hearing Jingle Bell Rocks that inspires me to become stabby. It's hard to tell at this point.
I used to love x-mas as a kid (who doesn't?) now I dread this time of year.

Sigh

Only 25 days left till this fucking "holiday" is over.

An unrealized consequence of growing up is the sudden understanding that your parent's are not invincible. We think we know, and that we accept it. Until the fact hits you in the face with the real here and now proof that one day they will no longer be around.

My roomate/best friend's mother is in the hospital. We may have had our differences but I hope to the Goddess above that she pulls through.

really fucking sucks. I listen to sad music at work mixed with metal and emo.
My current most listened to songs,
H.I.M. - Wicked Game
Arch Enemy - Heart of Darkness
Cradle of Filth - Ghost in the Fog
Killswitch Engage - This Fire Burns
In Flames - Come Clarity
A Perfect Circle - Judith (Renholder Remix)

and more by the same artists

The fundies are coming the fundies are coming! I often feel like riding through the streets Paul Revere style and screaming that at the top of my lungs. They are slow, and they are sneaky, but they are coming for us. If you are

not christian(or not the right kind whatever that may be)
gay
bisexual
a woman
a minority
an immigrant (here legally or not)
jewish
muslim
liberal
etc...

It seems to get worse every year. The crazy team just keeps getting crazier, and our ability to keep them out get's weaker and weaker. I'm just waiting for them to come to my door with pitchforks and torches to burn me, my roomates and our demon kitties(because the more familiars the stronger the witch!) at the stake.

I wonder what they think of the part in the constitution which seperates church and state...

What I'd like to be sippin' on tomorrow,
but that's about $30 a bottle...plus tax
I personally am a vodka person. I've loved the stuff ever since my first encounter with it, and now I drink it to almost the exclusion of all else. and potato vodka...MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. Potato vodka is just awesome, it has a different aftertaste and burns better. This particular vodka I have not tried (too $$), but it's a potato vodka made by the same company as Belvedere.
In other news, I discovered today that my ex-roomate was in a motorcylce accident and is currently in need of some help. This is the roomie who did my dreadlocks for me, she is one of the sweetest rock ass chicks that I know. If you can help or you would like to go to a kick ass show, than please either

give some $$ or if you live in the Twin Cities are and like metal or want to contribute to a good cause and listen to local music, than hit the Fine Line Music Cafe on Thursday September 14, only $10!